I had different words here a while ago.
I put them 'out there', thinking it would make me feel better.
It didn't.
Why?
They weren't who I WANT to be.
They were definitely who I am. Sadly. But not who I want to be.
I didn't like the image they painted.
The nice thing about this space is we can simply erase what we don't like. We can highlight, hit delete, and tada! Gone. A blank space, ready for a rewrite.
Wouldn't it be nice if life worked that way as well?
I will leave some of that post here. Because there are some things in our lives that are too boldy written to simply wipe away.
It's been 4 months since that awful ultrasound. The date jumps out at me every month, without my permission or intent. It simply hits me.
And I can accept that. Why wouldn't it stand out in my mind?
What I find hard to accept?
No one else has noticed.
That doesn't exactly paint an ideal picture either, but it's an honest one. It's a refrain I've read often in the blogs, a common thread among singles and couples alike.
No one else noticed.
Worse, I'm sure that has been me on occasion. I'm sure I have been the one to walk blindly forward while someone I care about stumbled a little behind. I didn't mean to. I would have stopped to help, if I'd been aware. I just didn't see.
Perhaps this is karma. Perhaps just bad luck. Perhaps a mere fact of life.
Whatever it is...
I still wish someone had noticed.
My heart goes out to you. I don't know the pain of miscarriage so I can't pretend to know your pain, but you have my deepest sympathies.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to forget, when you're not the one going through the bad thing, that being strong isn't the same thing as being recovered. And that's hard when you're the one trying to recover and no one realizes that fact, when everyone thinks you're healed.
ReplyDeleteIf only your heart were healed when your body was. Things would be easier then.
Yea, it still baffles me that I actually called home and said that I wouldn't be able to make it for christmas. My family let me spend christmas all by myself, as if this was normal behavior a couple of months after a miscarriage. How could my family not even see the pain?
ReplyDeleteI think people don't see the signs of emotional pain until they've been there themselves. I hope, I really hope that I'm better at seeing it now than I was before my miscarriage. I do see that I'm less afraid to jump into people's bad spells and at least acknowledge that they are going through sometime awful, where I used to be afraid to say anything at all.
This pain is very real and I'm so sorry you still feel it so intensely. I did for about a year. I wish I knew how it is that some women can bounce back a little easier than others.
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say to make you feel better. This is a difficult process. Be good to yourself.
ReplyDeleteIf you would ever like to talk, either on email or on the phone, I'm totally here for you. You are going through a really hard experience. I'm here to listen in a way that maybe others can't, and maybe I'd be easier to talk with than the people in your real life. My email is lesleajane at gmail.com.
ReplyDelete